Just Because you think it….

Doesn’t mean you have to say it

How often have we had someone say something to us that was hurtful?

Intent vs. Impact. A teacher from Yoga for ALL, Dianne Bondy, spoke about that, and I remember that sticking with me. She shares about social justice, body image and ability. Our impact as Yoga teachers on our language and how students are in our class. This conversation has had so much influence on me and my heart. It made me more conscious of what I type and say while speaking with others—language matters. Thank you for your fantastic teaching.

The intent is what someone thinks or feels during a conversation or action. In other words, what you thought you were doing.

The impact is the effect of the action or conversation on the other person and how it makes them feel. The way the other person internalized the action or conversation.

Our Son was born with a Cleft Lip and Partial Palette. For 5 months, he looked visually different from others, and people felt they had the right to stare and make comments, and I know that their intent was not to hurt us. People are uncomfortable with differences. The impact was shame and self-blaming, feeling less than. People need to mind their own business and stay in their lane. We are all doing the best we can, and the impact of others’ words is hurting families, children and those who grow up and become adults.

On one occasion, I was on a Go train, and a lady started a conversation with me. I had our two children, a two-year-old and a baby maybe 9 months old who just had his cleft lip surgery a few months before. We probably were on our way home from Sick Kids, as that is why we were usually on the Go train.

This lady Asked if “I cut food with a knife on a full moon?” I explained that many people have superstitions and that cleft lips occur naturally and that it was not due to cutting on the full moon. (I was also asked twice if I fell while pregnant. If the baby was sucking its thumb and you feel that is how a cleft lip could occur.)

She then Tapped her lip (as she wouldn’t say cleft) and said, “I have two daughters, both with normal babies, and they didn’t cut on a full moon.” She was proving her point. I knew at this point I couldn’t; I was defeated, I was to blame, on a train full of people, all staring at me; I was the mom who caused her baby a cleft lip.

I can’t tell you how many times in that conversation she tapped her lip (instead of saying cleft lip). It is a taboo word.

When we got off the Go train that day, I cried, but first, I turned to my 2-year-old and told her never to treat another person that way. I also said that some people are just set in their ways and not worth your time. That trip will stay with me. Nothing is wrong with our son; he is perfect, not less than, the word “normal” I despise it; why do we think we have the right to comment on others’ ability, look, differences, and cultures.

Why is different bad? Why can’t we love and accept what is?

I never want our son to look at pictures of himself as a baby and think he is anything less than what he is. He is a beautiful gift to our family. I was so sad when he had his cleft lip surgery as I would miss his great big smile. I loved his big smile, and I love his smile now. No one should grow up embarrassed with who they are, as their identity matters.

It is a great responsibility to know that we have intent, but when we start to realize that we impact the lives of others. That our actions and word can cause so much hurt. We need to think before we speak. We want everyone to be valued, loved, safe, brave, confident, and JUST BE YOU!

If you take anything away from this post:

• If you have questions, please ask but be thoughtful and respectful
• Don’t point and stare at others
• Educate yourself and your children on a wide variety of differences (facial abnormalities are only one): it is fantastic to inquire; kids can’t make fun of something they know about
• We all have struggles in this world. You can see the struggles in some of them, and some are invisible. No one will ever go through life without one. This always brings life into perspective and is helpful when educating children.
• Remember, your Intent vs. your Impact on others may be completely different if someone tells you that you hurt them. Own it, learn from it and move on. It’s ok. We all unintentionally impact others. The difference is owning it and learning.

Check out the video that inspired me to share this story on Instagram: